Whenever my married friends start talking about wanting to have kids, I give them one piece of advice: Don't get off birth control until you have first raised a puppy.Puppies are essentially furry babies. They require you to undergo a drastic lifestyle change to meet their every need. While most of these revolve around eating and the inevitable body function resulting afterward, these -- you'll be surprised to learn -- take up far more of your waking hours than you'd ever imagine.
Then, there's education. You won’t need to pop in any Puppy Einstein videos for Rover, but you will need time and a considerable amount of patience to teach them the important things in life like, well, when and where to go potty. Then come the essential moral lessons about right (chew on this squeaky toy!) and wrong (don't chew my CD collection -- NOOOOO, not my Michael Buble!!!).
Most of all, you'll soon learn you cannot let them out of your sight for one second or else they'll hurt themselves or worse, embarrass you by getting into a basket of dirty laundry and prancing around the house during a party with a pair of your least attractive tighty whities on their head.
Sounds like an expressway to a stomach ulcer, right? Here's the catch, and it's a good one.
While some children may never stop giving you heartburn, even after they bleed you dry for seven years so they can earn an advanced degree in 18th century Russian poetry that just barely nets them a graveyard shift at Denny's, most dogs generally do. With good guidance, lots of love and daily exercise (because a tired puppy is a good puppy, as my dog's trainer liked to say), dogs go through their wild and crazy years in a fraction of the time real children do. In addition, canines seem much better at realizing the advantage of staying on the good side of the hairless upright beings that bring them kibble and constantly scratch them behind the ears. Having been a teenager once and having my own child on the verge of becoming one, I can vouch that we humans aren't quite that quick on the draw.
That's not to say that post-puppyhood is a cakewalk. I've owned two Labrador Retrievers, the vacuum cleaners of the canine world, and while they are great for sucking up all the crumbs dropped on the floor during meal times, you never want to leave a garbage can uncovered in their presence or walk them in a park covered in Canada goose poop. You also never want them to lick you after they've done either.
Finally, researchers have found that having a dog -- unlike having teenagers -- offers owners many health benefits. These include lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol and triglycerides levels, decreased risk of developing heart disease or other cardiovascular problems, and a better ability to cope with stress. Some of these come from the strong bond and unconditional love that develops between owner and canine; others are a result of getting Fido his regular exercise through walking, running or playing "come back here with that, you stupid mutt!" Regardless of the reason why, it only matters that dogs contribute greatly to letting you drink beer and eat cheese without guilt. Let's see your kid do that for you.
Stamford native Kevin McKeever, a married father of two, is a freelance writer and editor. He also writes the humor blog, Always Home and Uncool, and is a contributor to DadCentric.com. He spent 10 years as a reporter and editor for local newspapers, another nine creating and running the employee communications program for a Fortune 200 company, and then he wised up.
His humorous view of health and wellness, "Rubbing It In," will be featured regularly in future issues of Aetherial Living.
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