by Kevin McKeeverIf you are like most Americans, you made a New Year's resolution to get fit and live healthy. Then, you blew it all during the first week by doing something like diving face first into a convenience store display rack of Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pies.
"Bur hroatmurr res grud fer ruu," you sputter.
True, oatmeal is good for you (you have marshmallow fluff, right there … no, higher … got it), but your transgression proves a theory of mine. Resolutions are like speed limits -- always broken but never without a really good excuse.
Getting fit is a long-term process you achieve through baby steps (unless, of course, you're of a tax bracket that allows it to be a short-term process you superficially achieve through plastic surgery). If you make small adjustments to your everyday routine today you'll be healthy not tomorrow, not next week, but maybe just in time to drop dead from old age. And old age is a good long-term goal!
Don't believe me? Then let me guide you through some popular ideas for creating a healthy lifestyle in 2009 that people making a lot more money than I am will be spouting on the talk shows and respected medical journal's like O Magazine:
Skip the elevator/escalator and take the stairs! A great cardiovascular workout and it tightens the glutes, so I can't argue with this … if you live and work on the 83rd floor of the Empire State Building. Our area has like what, three buildings over four stories high? I blame our region's planning and zoning commissions. I demand restitution for their inadequate contemplation of our collective buttocks!
Park as far from the front door of your destination as possible and walk! This is not usually a problem in our area, especially when it's raining, you're in a hurry or -- like my children -- you occasionally forgot to put on pants. If you plan to indulge in a particularly heavy, fatty meal at a fine Fairfield County restaurant, for example, counterbalance the extra calories by parking the Beamer even a little farther away than normal. Like in south Jersey (walk the Parkway, not the Turnpike -- the added curves and tolls enhance the burn!)
Drink eight 8 ounces of glasses of water a day! Recent research has raised doubts about this common health tip. However, I say, poppycock! Balderdash! Antidisestablishmentarism! The study author obviously doesn't have two kids and a wife who conspire to be in the potty every frickin' time he needs to relieve himself. The "I gotta go but I can't go here" jig works muscle groups I can't even begin to discuss because of the subsequent giggling.
Two shots of vodka, a little rum, some bitters, a smidgen of vinegar, a shot of vermouth, a shot of gin, a shot of scotch, a little brandy, a lemon peel, orange peel, cherry, some more scotch! Ooops, that's the recipe for an Alaskan Polar Bear Heater. I don't recommend this. Especially near open flames.
When talking on the phone, stand, stretch and move! Of course, until you build up your stamina, you might find yourself being a little winded during phone conversations and breathing heavy. Pro: You might get a date out of it! Con: You might be slapped with a harassment suit!
Folks, trust me -- there's no miracle cure. Just try to eat better foods, consume fewer calories and exercise more. If you must, consider joining a good gym.
But not until about Feb. 13. That's when all the other people who made resolutions to get fit and healthy give up and sell their annual memberships at drastically reduced prices so they can afford to purchase Whitman's Samplers for their favorite phone callers.
Stamford native Kevin McKeever, a married father of two, is a freelance writer and editor. He also writes the humor blog, Always Home and Uncool, and is a contributor to DadCentric.com. He spent 10 years as a reporter and editor for local newspapers, another nine creating and running the employee communications program for a Fortune 200 company, and then he wised up.
His humorous view of health and wellness, "Rubbing It In," will be featured regularly in future issues of Aetherial Living.
If you enjoy this article, or would like to know more about Kevin, please drop him a comment at kevin@aetheriaspa.com
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