Resolved to have a healthy 2011? Yeah, yeah, yeah -- get in line, pal. No, not the line that's six-deep for a turn on the elliptical. Gyms crowded with the jiggling masses of resolute resolution-makers are the unhealthiest places to be in January.
Cardio equipment drenched in Staphylococcus-infested sweat!
Barbells bathed in rhinovirus-tinged skin flakes!
Stagnant air heavy with guilt over the 17 pounds of homemade peppermint bark wolfed down during the annual New Year's Day Twilight Zone marathon on SyFy!
January should be all about making a better you, but within the safe confines of your own home. Besides, considering the shape you're in, do you really want to wear those booty-hugging workout shorts in a public setting? Thought not. So, don't worry -- I got your back.
And your backside.
STEP 1: EAT WRITE
You could start with the latest fad diet. (What is it these days? The Cookie Puss Diet? The Cokie Roberts Diet?) However, the words "latest" and "fad" should clue you in that these are temporary solutions that will soon leave in breakdown lane of life's potholed highway.
Your best approach to reforming your gluttonous ways and developing better habits, at least according to all the chick magazines my wife subscribes to, is by keeping a food journal. (Aside: You women do realize these magazines just present new combinations of the same tips about sex, diet and fashion every few months, right? The most groundbreaking thing in each article is usually the level of hyperbole in each headline like "Learn the Naughty Skill to Dress Thinner! So You Can Powerfood Your Way to a Tighter Tush!! That He'll Love to Discuss Sensitively With You!!!")
How does writing down every little sweet, salty, fat-enhanced calorie make you lose weight? I'm guessing self-induced embarrassment. When you write down the fact that the half a box of Entemann's Rich Frosted Chocolate Donuts you devoured for breakfast meant you crammed 1,200 calories and 80 grams of fat down your gullet, you naturally start to re-evaluate your food regime.
You may be tempted to share your food journal, thinking you'll get much needed support and admiration from others. Maybe. Or maybe it'll be like that time Arbitron sent you two shiny little quarters to record your radio listening habits for two weeks and you kept misspelling "Howard Stern" as "NPR."
STEP 2: CLEAN UP YOUR ACT
You'd be surprised how much heart-healthy, calorie-burning exercise you can get just by doing the housework you've been neglecting or hiring others to do for you, you lazy elitist slob.
Let's start in the kitchen. When was the last time you moved your refrigerator so you could sweep out of the three feet of dust bunnies, lost takeout menus and fallen magnets from defunct dry cleaners? Defrosted your freezer using only your breath and an old toothbrush? Scoured the burnt-on stuff off each and every pan with just some elbow grease and a burnt waffle? I thought so.
STEP 3: LAY ABOUT
Stress is the silent killer of millions of Americans, although canned chili con carne is catching up. The best thing you can do for yourself at home to relieve stress, you can do lying down. And by yourself! That's right -- sleep.
A long-term lack of regular sleep has been linked to all sorts of evils, such as obesity, diabetes and making out with Snooki from Jersey Shore. To prevent this, you should aim to get a minimum of seven solid hours of ZZZZZs a day, and yes -- you can count any time you spent catatonic from the mindlessness of watching TMZ, infomercials or any movie featuring Ashton Kutcher.
Follow these three steps and by Valentine's Day, you'll be rested, revved and raring to hire a cleaning service and get to the nearest gym which should be fairly deserted once again.
Stamford native Kevin McKeever, a married father of two, is a freelance writer and editor. He also writes the humor blog, Always Home and Uncool, and is a contributor to DadCentric.com. He spent 10 years as a reporter and editor for local newspapers, another nine creating and running the employee communications program for a Fortune 200 company, and then he wised up.
His humorous view of health and wellness, "Rubbing It In," is featured regularly in issues of Aetherial Living.
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